The Popular Myth of Finding THE ONE!

Blueprint on Relationships

We’ve been fueled by fairytales of being rescued from drudgery like Cinderella or awakened from a long sleep by the magic of a kiss like Sleeping Beauty. We women have envisioned ourselves as damsels to be rescued, while men pictured themselves as heroes riding up on white horses.

Classic literature, modern music, and movies have done us no favors either. We’ve mooned over the obsessive love of Cathy and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights with its “I can’t survive without you” mentality. Love songs have taught us that passion is all about somehow blending into each other until there are no boundaries left. This has left us conditioned to believe that we aren’t in love unless we lose ourselves. While a certain amount of surrender to love is both necessary and beneficial, giving ourselves up to another person is not.

Then, there’s the finding “The One” mentality, underwritten by countless movies and romance novels. But have you noticed how almost all romantic comedies end right before all the hard stuff begins? By the “hard stuff,” I mean the reality of living together day-to-day, among the stresses of paying the bills and taking care of the kids. Not to mention all the psycho-emotional baggage we all carry with us from childhood.

So many of the people I’ve coached, both men and women, have assimilated the belief that if they find “The One,” they won’t ever have to feel lonely, sad, or rejected again. We look for a relationship that will provide us with validation and approval. But that’s a myth, and that myth is a trap. My apologies if I’m the one breaking the bad news here, but relationship won’t prevent you from feeling any of those unpleasant emotions. The only person who can ease your feelings of loneliness, sadness, or rejection is youThe only person who can validate you and give you the approval you seek is you.

I do believe that “true love” and easy relationships are possible for people who have already done the hard work of learning these lessons. But the truth is that until you love and accept yourself, no one else’s validation is going to stick. You’ll want to believe their praise, but you won’t believe it at the deepest unconscious levels. Because of this, you’ll just need validation again the next day…and the next day…and the next. Have you ever known anyone who needed to be validated all the time? It’s exhausting.

Relationships remain on shaky ground when you require someone else to determine your worthiness. That’s because no one else can guarantee your worth. You’re inherently worthy, and it’s up to you to take that in and truly believe it.

Here’s the deal: The way we’ve been “doing” relationships hasn’t been working and it’s time to reframe the way we love so we can go from “you complete me” or “you deplete me” to “you complement me.”

It’s time for a new blueprint on relationships… and I just happen to have it!

If you’re single, looking for a relationship or in a relationship that could use a major boost…I want you to check out my new book The New Relationship Blueprint.

I want to hear from you, tell me in the comments below: What’s YOUR relationship myth?

3 replies
  1. Nancy
    Nancy says:

    I love the strong encouragement in this article, Nancy! I swung on a crazed love pendulum from ‘I will die without you’ to ‘I don’t f***ing need you’— both positions equally (insanely) out of balance. After therapy to deal with some underlying childhood messages that were not serving me well, I have centered at the balanced middle. In the one hand I hold a desire to have a healthy intimate relationship with a man…but in the other hand, I hold the assurance that if I find myself remaining alone, I will nevertheless THRIVE. Life is good in the absence of drama!

    Reply
  2. Melissa Nicoll
    Melissa Nicoll says:

    Hi Nancy, The work we do to find us. Our worthiness, of all we have gone through, grown from, and surrendered too.The rough stuff, lets just say.. Has helped us to be who we are now. Isnt that what we seek in another. Then to share the next chapter? We have grown separately, yet similar. To now grow new roots together, Into yet another chapeter. No relationship is perfect, but actually it always is. I agree there is no perfect one! The fantasy is unrealistic. I also do believe the fantasy of this keeps us going. If we can enjoy our similarities on likes in life together, with acceptance, kindness and compassion. Then the relationship ride wherever it may take us.
    It worth it.

    Reply
  3. Virginia Pizzella
    Virginia Pizzella says:

    After being on my own for 5 years I have grown into a stronger more self aware woman. ( thanks to all your wisdom Nancy) I have recently stepped a toe into the dating world. I admit it has me at the edge of my comfort zone at times but I have also realized there is nothing to fear. I know my own worth and will not abandon myself for another. I look forward to your new book. I’m sure it will be helpful as I move forward. My myth ingrained in me at an early age was always to find a ” good man “. The message that I heard was your not good enough..
    Glad I cleared that up..

    Reply

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