After talking to me about her current relationship struggles with her partner, my client “Susie” had a big ah-ha about what was behind her constant ups and downs in her relationships.
You see, for years she’s struggled with the question, “should I stay or should I go?”
Like so many of us, Susie was continuously experiencing highs and lows in her relationships. One minute they were fighting, the next they proclaimed to be perfect partners. It was an almost predictable cycle that she admitted was wearing away at her sanity – not to mention her belief that she no longer had the power to make a coherent decision about her next steps.
As we explored some of her concerns and questions, Susie expressed some common themes that would arise every time she and her partner would get into a fight. She said that during those times she would daydream about going off on her own, but that the thought would quickly be replaced with worry. She mentioned that if she left, she worried that her kids would be damaged or that her friends would all choose her partner’s side. Susie ran down an entire list of concerns – some of which included how her partner might get by without her.
But, it wasn’t until I asked her what her biggest fear was in all of this that she could tap into her deepest truth.
After a few moments of silence, she began to weep. She said she was embarrassed to admit it, but that her biggest fear was that she was afraid that she couldn’t take care of herself or her kids.
And even though Susie had been educated and once enjoyed a successful career, she quietly said that she didn’t believe that she could financially make it on her own – that no one would ever hire her or see her worth.
But, that wasn’t the whole story.
What came next was the true eye opener for Susie.
Susie admitted to me that while she always suspected that she was afraid of leaving because it might leave her financially vulnerable – what she didn’t realize is that all of her fights, all of her disappointments in the relationship, all of her questions really came from her belief that she just wasn’t good enough.
She explained that underneath it all, she has never really valued herself and that she was using her relationship to build herself up – and when that didn’t work, she got caught up in a never ending cycle of disappointment, struggle and heartache.
And while Susie’s situation isn’t unique, what she recognized in that moment was that she had been focusing on all the wrong things – by always trying to fix her relationship, the truth is that she got to avoid dealing with the real issue: her own self worth.
The truth is the same for all of us. Until we truly feel worthy—deep inside—of the great life we desire, we won’t feel worthy of things like money or healthy relationships on the outside.
When we don’t feel worthy on the inside, we develop patterns that prevent us from having the what we want and need. And our patterns – including self-sabotage, questioning or creating discord in our relationships are tenacious, because they’re created by unconscious feelings and negative beliefs that took hold in childhood.
In fact, our sense of self-worth is created when we’re very young. As a result, some of us aren’t even aware that we don’t feel worthy inside. We carry unconscious limiting beliefs about ourselves like “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m not lovable,” or “Other people are better than I am.”
These beliefs of unworthiness then drive our behaviors in all sorts of ways.
It is only when we finally take off the blinders and see how our own self-worth is at the core of every single decision we make (whether it’s money or our relationships), it becomes easier to focus on and shift the things that make a difference in our lives.
For Susie, this realization helped her let go of some of the questioning and redirected her to begin working with me on her core issue so that she no longer felt hostage to worries and could make a clear decision about her life from an informed space.
That’s possible for you too.
This week, I want to help you get connected to how money, relationships and self-worth might intersect for you. Answer these questions and contemplate how much your self-worth might be driving your decisions in your personal relationships.
- When you and your partner fight, what fears arise?
- What is the limiting belief at the root of these fears?
- How is this belief currently impacting your relationship(s)?
- Now ask yourself if there’s ever been a counter-example to that belief. Can you come up with a time or times in your life when this belief was proven untrue or examples of how this belief is untrue?
- In the presence of your counter-example, create a new positive, empowering belief to replace the old one. What’s a new belief to replace the old belief?
- What is one specific, realistic action you will take this week to cultivate and anchor in your new belief?
Please join me in my FREE Facebook group Transform Together and let me know what you discover! This community offers you support in a safe place where speak your truth, receive inspiration and ask for help as you navigate life’s journey…and I’m right in there with you!