It might surprise you to know that, just like you, I have spent so much of my life not fully valuing my worth.
That, just like you, I measured my worth by what I did, how others saw me, and the approval or validation I could get from them. Always having to keep up a façade that I had it all together, while on the inside feeling that if people saw the real me, they would discard me.
For me, not valuing my worth drove me to become an over-achieving, people-pleaser who pushed my needs to the bottom of the list. It didn’t matter what I needed as long as I could make those around me shine. As long as I made others happy or could propel others into the spotlight, I felt good about myself. I was always attaching my worthiness to someone else’s wagon.
Or so I thought.
And when it came to valuing my worth financially, I thought I had it all going on because unlike some of my friends, I was pretty good at managing money. When it came to my finances, I was one of those people who would balance her checkbook down to the penny, know every dollar coming in and going out, and have a solid plan for how I was going to manage my future.
My friends lavished praise and wished they could be more like me.
But the truth was that as much I looked like I had it all figured out, inside I was worrying as much about money as they were. Maybe even more. I would wake up in the middle of the night wondering and worrying if I would ever feel secure. If there would ever be enough money in my bank account to make me feel like I could let go – even a little?
In my daily life, I wouldn’t dare spend a penny on myself unless I could justify it in some way – but when it came to others I would give freely. With my ex-husband, I would buy him almost anything he wanted, from motorcycles to condos to a brand-new truck paid for in cash – just three months before I left the marriage!
I would do anything to make him happy and keep the peace, and proudly claimed, “I don’t need anything. I don’t want anything. Whatever you want.”
Today, I realize that I was trying to buy his love, and become who he wanted me to be, because underneath it all, I never believed that he would love me for just being me.
In my years of coaching others through their own self-worth issues, I have learned that I am not alone. So many of us value our own self-worth, not through the lens of who we are, but what we can do for others.
We have a habit of defining ourselves based on how we think other people see us, basing our worth on their thoughts and feelings. Instead of tuning in, we tune out and use others vision of us to measure our worth.
It’s like we’re always walking a tightrope.
Someone’s bad mood can send you tumbling down. Someone’s gratitude and approval can make you soar.
But here’s the deal: when you recognize the habits and patterns that have left you seeking approval from others in order to claim your worth, you now have the power to do something different.
Self-Worth – when it comes right down to it – is an inside job.
Maybe until this very moment, you never even realized that all the things you do for others, the money that you spend, the sacrifices you make, and the approval you seek is because you don’t fully value your worth. That all changes now.
And while I think it’s great to do kind things for others, when we do them in order to validate who we are, it can interfere with all that we want to achieve out of life.
Whether you want financial freedom or a way to express your needs and have them met, it comes down to understanding how to fully resource your self-worth from within.
The truth is that whatever your beliefs about your worthiness, they will directly affect the amount of ease you can create in your life. This is the main reason some people find that the “law of attraction” becomes blocked or hits a ceiling. No matter how many exercises they do to become magnetic and abundant, their situation remains the same. Deep unconscious beliefs about self-worth are the missing pieces of the puzzle.
It’s up to us to take the actions necessary to clear these obstacles. And it’s a lifelong journey. You’ll never get bored because there will always be more to learn about yourself. We’re nothing if not wonderfully complex beings.
Yes, it takes work to get past the programming of our childhoods. But it isn’t a burden. It’s something to cherish and relish. As adults, we have a wonderful opportunity. We can choose to base our identities on who we truly are inside—the personality, the essence we came into this life with.
This is who you were before you were imprinted with anybody else’s opinions—imperfect, human, thoroughly beautiful, and oh so worthy. Trust me: There’s so much more possible for you, and self-worth is the key! All you have to do is turn it, and the door will open.
To help you get started, I want you to do this simple exercise to begin to uncover some of the beliefs that always keep you looking for validation outside. Start out by giving yourself 15 minutes of quiet time with yourself to hear the answers to the following questions:
- Make a list of at least 5 characteristics, qualities or adjectives that your acquaintances/colleagues/coworkers would use to describe you?
- Make a list of at least 5 characteristics, qualities or adjectives that your immediate family and close friends would use to describe you?
- Who do you tell yourself you are? How would you describe yourself?
- Who are you afraid to tell yourself you are
Place all of your character descriptions side by side, and review them carefully. What do you notice about the way you’ve been packaging yourself to be digestible to others? What do you notice about the way you’ve been hitching your self-worth to someone else’s wagon?
Please join me in my FREE Facebook group Transform Together and let me know what you discover! This community offers you support in a safe place where speak your truth, receive inspiration and ask for help as you navigate life’s journey…and I’m right in there with you!