nancy's blog

Father’s Day

Father's Day

In honor of Father’s Days past, and for my brother who died before I truly knew him and yet is such a part of me, I wanted to share this poem with you.

in the eyes of others

walking with dad
by the hand
by the pond
to feed the ducks

lots of black
curly hair
maybe i was five
in the little blue dress
with the sailboat
on it

he took me there
where it was full
of quiet and
crying and
he took me to visit
my brother

and that is where
and when
i came to understand
that i would never
be whole
or enough
while so much of me
was underground
while so much of me
was removed

moved from family
to home
to garden

he is my dormant side
who wakes
when i lie on the grass
beside him
as i wait for him
to come to me
to come for me
in the eyes
of others

the picture i want
is of you and me
from years ago
years before
you consumed me

i do not remember
you left me alone
with them
before you took
so much of me away
before i knew i wanted to go
all the way with you

as it stands today
the picture is of only me

it is only half there
i have always only been
half there
and aware of carrying
the burden of your death
of being son as well as

the picture i see
is of how i still
love you
once ago

In this poem I share the power of the loss of my brother at an early age in a memory from visiting his resting place with my father. I hope it will resonate for you as you also work to resolve your past and how events entirely out of your control have shaped your view of the world…knowing that you can integrate and become whole again, and that you deserve the life you desire.

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Let Go and Leap!

Make your leap!Most of the time, we’re held captive in an invisible prison of our own beliefs. In my marriage, for example, I believed that my husband held all the cards. That belief was true because I allowed it to be true. My belief that I was never going to be good enough kept our unhealthy dynamic in place.

It’s false beliefs like these that leave us fearful, afraid to make the leap we want to make into the life we truly desire. Often these beliefs begin in childhood, when we try to make sense of things that happen to us or things we observe. While these beliefs may be illogical, they take hold and become the way we see the world. These unconscious “shadow beliefs” become part of our personal operating system, telling us what we can and cannot do. The people and situations we attract into our lives are consistent with those beliefs – for better or worse.

When we shine light on these unwanted parts of ourselves, we can integrate them in order to reclaim wholeness. Shifting to a new belief system that is based on the truth about ourselves is what sets us free and allows us to take that leap into the future.

An important part of this shift is forgiveness, both of yourself and others. It’s easy to fall into the “victim” trap around how your false belief system was created – but that doesn’t help you move from false beliefs about yourself to true beliefs. It’s also easy to blame ourselves for believing our false beliefs in the first place! But those are just crutches we hold onto because we are scared of letting go and leaping.

As Iyanla Vanzant said, “Forgiveness helps to transform and eliminate the energy blockages we hold in our minds about who we are and who others are, and the subsequent issues or upsets that grow from the thoughts, beliefs, and judgments we hold.”

Ask yourself these important questions:

  • What do you believe prevents you from making your jump into your new and better life?
  • What can you choose to believe instead, in order to let go and leap?

Understanding the false beliefs we hold about ourselves is the first step to letting go and leaping. By bringing them out into the light and allow them to shift, we can truly let go and jump into the future we most desire.

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Saying “Yes” to You!

Say Yes to You!One way to tell the “condition” of our self-worth is in how well we care for ourselves. Just as we demonstrate our love for others through our actions, we demonstrate self-worth through making sure we’re eating well, sleeping enough, and exercising enough. We say “Yes!” to ourselves, taking time for what we need in order to feel good. That might be meditation. A walk in the park. A hot bath. A talk with a friend. Alone time.

It also means taking credit for our progress and our successes. We pat ourselves on the back when we do something well. We acknowledge our talents and abilities. We notice our growth.

If that sounds conceited, check yourself. Healthy pride comes from a place of knowing your worth. Arrogance actually comes from a lack of self-worth. It’s putting on a good show of self-worth, but it isn’t real worthiness. Do you know someone who has healthy self-confidence, yet isn’t boastful or arrogant? That person could be a good role model. Even if you don’t know anyone personally, you can probably find someone in public life who exhibits that kind of confidence. What would it feel like to take healthy pride in what you do and who you are?

Remember that healthy self-worth isn’t a plateau to ever be reached. There’s no “ultimate” or “perfect” state of self-worth. No matter where you start, you have the opportunity to improve.

The first step to a healthier self-worth is saying “Yes!” to you. “Yes” to the time you need to be by yourself, or to be with friends. “Yes” to taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual self. “Yes” to celebrating your success, in your own way. Only when we love ourselves can we fully believe and accept the love of others. 

You are worth saying “Yes!” to you!

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How to Get Unstuck

Each small step leads to your jump!Movement mobilizes possibility.

One decision can create a big shift in your life and propel you forward. Even just one small forward movement can cause a positive ripple effect. This step often impacts us in ways we can’t predict, or may not even fully recognize at first.

Change begins with making a different choice.

Taking a single step today allows everything else in your life to shift toward your new and better life.

During the transition from leaving behind our old beliefs and creating new ones, we start to notice our habits and patterns. Sometimes, you have to tiptoe an inch at a time. That’s okay. Each step you take will give you more courage to dissolve a pattern and live into life beyond the familiar.

It starts with installing new beliefs to upgrade your operating system so you can catch yourself when you default to thinking and behaving in limited ways. You’ll start to notice yourself attracting a situation that’s similar to others you’ve attracted in the past—and in the moment you can make a conscious choice not to engage in the old pattern. This is how change happens, and how our beliefs cease to have power over us.

Remember not to beat yourself up for excuses that held you back in the past! We can’t turn back the clock, but we can start again right now.

What are the costs of staying in situations that no longer serve you?

One authentic choice leads to another, and you’ll find you are on your way to the life you desire.

When your “change muscle” becomes stronger, you’re less likely to get stuck in circumstances that hold you back or keep you small. If you know how to make little changes, you can make adjustments as you go.

Life is a series of course corrections. 

Each change you make gives you permission to make another.

Your present moment choices are the crystal ball that will predict your future.

This is the powerful truth, and it is the truth you can discover for yourself!

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Living with uncertainty

Don’t get stuck!Uncertainty. The tension of opposites. How, just when we think we have landed, we are actually further unearthed. Ground must be restored, but not through stillness. Stillness will not satisfy. I discovered life as breath: fluidity is the only ground we can seek.

For me, the catalyst of change was the ending of my marriage. For others, it’s the yearning for a new job, a new relationship, a new life. I’d like to share this poem with you about moving through the uncertainty of change as you jump to the life you desire.

into the uncertainty

last night
or very early this morning
he felt me awake
his deep exhale nestling
the nape of my neck
palm resting on the 
small of my back
gently pressing down
to ground me

the shorthand
of a marriage
over time
is a lost language
just ancient fragments
of letters and torn
corners of reverie

in the dark
as i move in bed
i get the sense that
i am too big for this
body i’ve had

i surrender and assign
the loving of my body
to you
until i am ready to
love it again

feel like i am pushing
myself out from the inside
stretching this restrictive

all the while
i cried and
she stayed
prayed with me
into the uncertainty
still she watches
clearing the way
while i cannot see
stands beside me
when i need strength
to move forward
gently reminding me
that it’s always about
and then beginning

is a long time
to be away from myself

It takes courage to live with the uncertainty that comes from change. Avoiding this uncertainty can keep us stuck for years in relationships or jobs that no longer serve us. When you truly embrace change, you embrace everything that comes with it, even the uncomfortable parts! Your reward is the life you truly desire.

Let’s continue the conversation on Facebook.

How much of a raise do you want?

You are worthy of abundance!“I don’t charge as much as I’d like to for my services.”
“I tend to give away my products.”
“I’m afraid to ask for a raise or a promotion.”

Do any of these statements sound like you?

If so, you’re not alone!

Many of us (especially women) struggle with defining our value – and asking to be compensated accordingly. Studies show that women are less likely to negotiate their salary or ask for a raise. If we do and we’re told there’s no money in the budget, we’re more likely to give in, feeling guilty for asking in the first place.

Men, on the other hand, are more apt to stand their ground and keep pushing until they get what they want. Clearly many women have self-worth issues that tend to come out in particular ways around money – and we often put on financial blinders as a result.

There are many reasons we put on financial blinders, but one in particular is hard to recognize. What would happen if our hard luck stories related to money – to not having enough – turned out to not be true? What if we deserved and could have an infinite financial future?

If that were true, it would invalidate a whole bunch of ideas we have about ourselves… for example, the idea we aren’t worthy! We’d have to expand our current comfort level to having more. We’d have to stop playing small.

Accepting our greatness means no longer playing small. It often starts with baby steps. But eventually it means making major changes – in our lives, jobs, relationships and dreams.

If I had believed in my own self-worth, I would never have been willing to make the financial moves I made in the past. How many years did I waste, postponing a better life, simply because I went into hiding and didn’t see I was worthy of something better?

An infinite attitude toward money and our own self-worth starts with taking off the blinders and seeing where we’ve kept ourselves in the dark. And the good news is, you can start now to do things differently and create the abundant life you desire and deserve!

When you understand your self-worth, you understand that you are worth being paid for the value of your work. It’s easier to put on financial blinders, because then we can be comfortable with the hard luck money stories we’ve been telling ourselves. It’s time to expand our comfort level to having more, and embrace our self-worth and our abundance. It’s time to stop playing small!

Let’s continue the conversation – join me on Facebook!

Discover Your Intuitive Gifts

Use your intuition to set you free!Jumping requires faith. Faith that when you jump, there will be a net, you will not be destroyed, that you will sail and fly.

Your first leap of faith is to admit to yourself what you already know. The result is enormously freeing, and is the primary stepping-stone to true freedom.

The second, more challenging, step is to tell the truth to someone safe. Here is where your intuitive gifts kick in. Really consider who might be the best person to trust with your truth. Take some time to journal or meditate on this. If you can’t think of the right person now, continue to be open and I firmly believe the right person will come to mind.

You’ll be amazed at how freeing it is when you tell the truth and are met with the empathy of someone you trust. I know that for me, the truth suddenly felt like a weight I could no longer bear by myself. I had always assumed everyone would turn away from me if they found out. I assumed I’d be left alone. Far from it, when I finally told the truth, I was offered loving support and advice!

By telling someone, I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable. Rather than trying to control everything in my life, I confided in someone else and let them in to see the authentic me. It was hard, but when you choose someone safe – someone who loves you and won’t judge you – they will see your humanness and have compassion for you on a deep, genuine level.

Now that you are truly “seen” – and you survived it — you will feel yourself empowered to take the next steps and make different choices about your life. Again, your intuition and internal guidance will help you move toward the choices that are most freeing.

Are you ready? If not, don’t worry – we’re never really ready. Remember that the process is inch-by-inch, so you can take as much time as you need. (It took me two years to really make the leap of my lifetime.) When you are ready to jump, your intuition, that internal voice we all have, will be an invaluable guide along the way.

When you connect with your intuition, you’ll tap into an invaluable guide for your journey to your authentic self and the life you desire. As you choose the people who create your safety net and make the new choices that support your new life, connecting with your intuitive and energetic guidance is an important tool for self-discovery.

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My Journey with Journaling

Take a journey through journaling.Katie Dalebout, author of Let It Out: A Journey Through Journalingwill be my guest on my Hay House Radio show this week!

And wow, does that bring up a lot around my own journey through journaling!

Journaling is how I solve and dissolve complex equations of heart and head. It’s my personal commitment to revealing. We discover ourselves in words, unveiled and immersed in the precision of the present moment.

I have been writing to capture and process the details of my life since I was 11, in over 90 volumes of personal journal. Out of these pages my poems emerge, mined from the mosaic of memory, fragments of language, introspection and observation. The practice of poetry is my wayfinding. It’s my guide. Distilling and illuminating the essence of a fixed moment in time, like a snapshot. The pure, concise extraction of an experience, like espresso. In some way, it didn’t happen if I didn’t write about it.

The beginning of the end of my marriage was when my husband discovered – and read – my journals. While our relationship had been slowly falling apart for some time, I’d chosen to stay in denial so deeply that it took something this monumental to wake me up.

I did everything for my husband. It was all about him, and my own needs didn’t matter. I had designed a marriage for myself where there was no room for the real me. I acted the part of the woman my husband wanted and needed me to be. But I wasn’t good enough at that, so I let him try and mold me into his image of the perfect wife.

When you stay in a situation that isn’t working, denying your own needs, eventually your own well-being demands to be heard. And when you don’t heed that call, the truth will come out… unfortunately, it comes out sideways. You become depressed. Ill. Or, if you’re like me, you’ll find yourself expressing your needs in destructive ways.

And that’s what my husband discovered when he read my journals, how my true self had expressed herself sideways. I had written about the affair I’d had several years earlier. It’s still hard for me to disclose this, and I wish I’d never been that person. But what I know now is the importance of telling the truth and living your authentic life.

What happened to those journals? Well, after my husband found them, I destroyed them all – over seventy-five volumes at the time. As I said above, I’d been keeping journals since I was 11, and after I felt exposed, I didn’t write another journal entry for two years.

When I went back to journaling, I was paranoid! I kept everything saved on a thumb drive and carried it around with me everywhere. But that physical act of writing down my feelings, thoughts, reflections was such a powerful part of my journey, and continues to be important today. Commit to the physical act of writing it all down – preferably on paper. It does make a difference!

Journaling was an important part of my journey to my authentic self. Writing down thoughts, feelings, reflections is how we tell ourselves the truth. It’s not always easy, because if we are honest when we write, we’ll feel everything fully, with no pretensions. It’s also our opportunity to see things more objectively, and stop judging ourselves so harshly. It’s an inch-by-inch process, and you never know what will come out on the next page!

My journal is the portal into the story of my awakening. Internal wrestling. Self-awareness. Making myself vulnerable through these words has opened my eyes to the ways in which each of our stories are intertwined, coursing through one another. It’s not only the meaning, more the feeling that resonates between us. We are all of us writing for our lives. My writings were the stepping-stones along my journey from fear to self-love and self-forgiveness. Let your heart serve as a compass to lead you back to yourself, and an invitation to find and trust your own voice.

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Love Yourself First!

Jump into loving yourself!Today I’d like to share this poem with you; for me it captures the difficulty of loving another before you learn to love yourself.

lean into the loving

my primary landscape
needs healing
crevasses and couloirs
reaching into spring
an initiation
way before this took root in me
the past unfreezing
echoing inside my present

theft continues but i gave it away
keep walking
and cleanse
watch for what needs to grow

i come from the canyon
left in the loss of the past
this primal concept
of giving and receivingis ancestral
i took on his loss
by osmosis thru them
and the chasm was born right there
family legacy
picked up and carried forward

primary heartbreak is no longer
my marriage ending
it is only the breakthrough
to what i have been longing for

what we can’t deal with
we deal with

you need a downstroke to ground
she said
if i was as powerful as you
i’d pay someone to stand on my chest too
this is the way that he loved me
containing me
restraining me
until i felt my own force

i brought myself here
i placed him there
had you ever believed you were enough
you would have left
i let him hold me until i knew freedom

my turn around is to know
i no longer need an empty well
to fill
reality is a rushing waterfall
a surge of relief invoking the truth
i can only know what i know
when i know it
i am the other half of this chaos
but still
you didn’t break his heart
it was already broken 

restrain relax surrender release
relieving myself from restriction
i now lean into the loving

Loving another begins with loving yourself. If you are living in reaction to someone else, abandoning yourself for the sake of another, it’s time to disarm your self-sabotage, find the keys to your own non-negotiables and priorities, and know that only you can give yourself the love you most desire.

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Harness Your Power!

Harness your power!For a long time I didn’t believe I had any choice.

I was too afraid of the consequences of leaving my marriage –or my job, for that matter – that I allowed myself to stay stuck. Which I know now was actually a choice…

And guess what? Divorce, entrepreneurship and major change didn’t annihilate me. In fact, they did the exact opposite! And today I have more personal power than I ever thought possible.

If I can do that so, can you.

Throughout my marriage, I gave away my power bit by bit. But it wasn’t anything new. I’d been giving away my power my whole life, by serving everyone around me and burying my own needs. I was addicted to striving for perfection, from a very young age.

On the outside, I appeared successful and happy. But one of my core limiting shadow beliefs was that I had to be perfect and indispensable in order to be loved. And it was exhausting! I was the victim of my own striving for happiness, and, as a result, was tremendously unhappy.

I created drama in order to make excuses for my unhappiness. I was the ultra-responsible employee, wife, daughter, friend… but I had not taken responsibility for my own life. Drama is the perfect defense mechanism, because it cloaks the pain of the past. “I can’t make a different choice right now, because I’m too busy dealing with this problem. If I don’t deal with it, no one else will!” Sound familiar?

Most of the pain we create in our lives is based on the inability to separate fact from fiction. Reality may feel threatening, but it’s a lot scarier to continue to live with stories we tell ourselves that aren’t true. We choose to tell ourselves false stories in order to avoid “what is.” But the truth won’t be denied forever. Every story, every excuse you make saps your strength and your power. Fight against your fears, take responsibility for your choices, and empower yourself to live the life of your dreams.

The antidote to excuses is taking responsibility and making choices. Reconnect with what you want. When you envision your life after you’ve made changes, how does it feel? Do you feel excited by the possibilities? Imagine what it would be like to let go of fear and have whatever you want. If there were no consequences whatsoever, which choice would you make – to stay the same or to change?

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